Science has weighed-in loudly that at the center of a good life are relationships, yet at the same time, many of the most painful experiences in life emanate from relationships. As a result, all of us to some degree do the best we can to engage in pleasurable experiences and avoid pain in our everyday interactions with others. But clearly, this is not so easy. The divorce rate for first time marriages over a 40-year time span is approaching 70 percent. We are becoming increasing isolated in our communities, and the speed of life interferes with the time necessary to cultivate relationships (see post below). So what gives? I believe one of the best answers is found in the book Fear of Intimacy by Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett. In a nutshell, no childhood is perfect and as a result, we develop psychological and emotional defenses very early on in life that carry into adulthood and act as barriers to closeness and intimacy. In fact, one of the insights from this book is that these defenses actually thwart our ability to receive and accept love and kindness from others. The structure of the defense system has been written about in many ways over the years (IFST, self-care system, Freud) but the essence of most models include some splitting of the psyche into parts. As a result, the different internal parts we carry around with us get played out in our everyday external life with others. If we take the time to understand our internal world, then it becomes possible to better understand and deepen our relationships. We also learn how to heal present and past wounds. But absent knowledge of how we protect ourselves with child-like defenses, we continue to reenact in very subtle ways the early patterns of our life. Fear of Intimacy is not a self-help book, but it is also not an academic dissertation. It reveals in very clear language how our defense systems get formed, the impact they have on our relationships with others, and why we all struggle to relate on some level.

Growing up I admired explorers like Lewis & Clark, and adventurers that traveled the world in search of new lands. Now as an adult, I still admire these folks and long to visit to exotic lands in search of adventure, but I have also come to admire (and honor) those who have the courage to explore their inner world. In many ways, it is a much tougher journey, and yet one that is every bit as exciting and rewarding.
 

Recently, I have given a lot of thought to the topic of gratitude. An article on happiness reminded me that often we live so much for the future, we forget just how much we have to be thankful for in our present moment - and that happiness is perhaps something we already have but just don't recognize. One reason is that being present, in my opinion, has become increasingly more difficult - and at times painful - because we are doing all we can to just keep our heads above water. It is also very hard to be fully present, and fully embrace all the complexities of modern life - particularly the emotional complexities that pull us in so many directions. The best antidote I have found is taking time each day to remind myself about all the things I am most grateful for in my life. My family. My health. My education. My job. My understanding. My knowledge. My sadness. My joy. My friends. My wonder. My life.
 

Yesterday I visited a friend in the hospital who is quite sick, and we talked openly and honestly about death. He knows he is dying, and so do I. Although it would be easy to pretend differently, for us both the time was meaningful because we embraced the inevitable - a predictable outcome that will not take me by surprise. But the sudden loss of the my friends reminds me of the precariousness of life, and that there are so many things I will never understand.

On that fateful day five people died. But four people also lived, including my friend's three-year old daughter and her grandmother (as well as the pilot and co-pilot). Now my thoughts and prayers go out to them, their family, and all those who have been touched by this tragic event. I will honor my friends by not attempting to quickly get on with my life, but taking the time necessary to grieve and remember all the good times we shared. And keeping in mind that I will see them again.
 

Today begins a month-long (July/2007) exhibition of photographs from Nepal and Thailand at our local coffee shop - Papaccino's Coffee - located at 8421 SW Terwilliger Blvd. in Portland, Oregon. All proceeds from the sale of prints will be donated to the MAGIC Foundation (www.magicfoundation.org), the largest national non-profit organization created to provide support services for the families of children afflicted with a wide variety of chronic and/or critical disorders, syndromes, and diseases that affect a child's growth. Today, MAGIC is headquartered in Oak Park, Illinois and employs a full-time staff of a mere 4 people. Glued together by dedicated volunteers, this hard working group annually responds to an excess of 11,700 phone calls, 20,000 requests for educational materials, all educational programs and other support services the foundation offers. The foundation's database is one of the world's most comprehensive of its kind and includes (among other things) a worldwide networking system with  more than 11,000 families listed. Because of a significant drop in funding, the foundation is badly in need of financial support. Each archival print is 18"x24" (framed) and $150, which is completely tax deductible. Please contact me if you would like to purchase one or more of these original, signed photographs, or have other questions regarding this exhibition.

And thank you so much for supporting a foundation that is truly magical in its work with families.